Jokes at SGC
by E. Nagrom
Summary: this is a series of short jokes that have been played on me or friends that i have changed to suit SGC. Please R&R and suggest any you may know of.
1. Chapter 1

A/N

I couldn't help but remember an old practical joke that my mum played on a work mate years ago and had to share it with you so you could play it in the next few months (unfortunately can't work for mothers day)

What happens when a card is sent to Daniel Jackson marked by a scrawl???

SG-1

Daniel was walking down the halls of the SGC glade to have a moments peace with Vala off having fun showing the new recruits how to manipulate the men on other planets "incase there is no way out" she stressed but Daniel new she was bored and wanted to have some fun with the younger women showing them how to use their sex appeal against other men. Thankfully he managed to get out of being the dummy. Barely.

"Daniel how are you?" Jack asked as he walked down the corridor of the SGC in his uniform

"Jack, what are you doing here? Last I heard you were trying to repair relations with the Russian's over McKay." Daniel replied, he new that Jack was no diplomat but it was part of his job of Home World Security to make sure that everyone who new about the Stargate was happy with its performances.

"Yes, well I needed your expert opinion what does—" Jack was interrupted by Sam who was laughing as she walked out of Daniel's Office.

"Sam"

"Carter"

"Daniel, Sir umm, how are you?" Sam asked trying not to laugh

"What's up Carter? You havn't been drinking P3H-989er's apple juice again have you?" Jack asked

"No sir. Sorry Daniel but I didn't mean to look—I mean I didn't expect a card like that in your office." Carter said trying not to laugh as they walked in.

"What are you talking about?" Daniel asked Sam pointed to his desk where a "Happy Father's Day" card was on his desk open for the world to see.

"Uh Danny-boy am I an uncle and didn't know about it?" Jack asked feigning hurt. Daniel was reading the insert

"Huh? No this is news to me. Listen to this: _"Daniel I wanted to tell you for ages about our child but had a fight and new it was too late. I saw you the other day shopping with a large group so didn't want to cause a scene, but please baby, please ring me our girl wants to meet her daddy and being 11 I can't play the 'Stork' story any more. Lots of love. _Then a scrawl."

"Sounds like, umm…well who did you know 11 years ago?" Jack asked understanding how Sam was laughing it took all his won't power to laugh,

"Sha're, Sam, Sara…" Daniel replied

"Dead, no way, taken as a host…" Sam replied.

"Who's dead?" Mitchell asked as he walked in with Teal'c

"Greetings O'Neill."

"T! Mitchell how are you?" Jack asked greeting his old team mate and replacement

"Do you know who sent this card?" Daniel asked handing it to Mitchell

"No but I want to meet my nephew."

"Indeed." Teal'c replied as Daniel went to grab coffee for everyone though wishing he had something stronger he handed a mug to everyone.

"Is it not customary for cigars to be handed out DanielJackson?" Asked Teal'c

"Yes well…" Daniel tried to dodge the question.

"Who could have sent this card to you anyway? This is supposed to be a secret base no citizen allowed." Sam replied only to get looked at by the men in the room

"You all know what I mean…there's no way a woman could sneak in, place a card on the desk and walk out again." Sam replied

"You know Sam has a good point." Mitchell replied

"Perhaps it came in today's mail?" Jack asked sitting on the corner of the desk. Vala came in the room stretching

"Thought you were all here…ooo a card can I see?" Vala asked taking the card off the table her face was one of excitement to shattered.

"D-Daniel I, umm thought w-we were you know…" Vala asked

"Its not what you think." Daniel tried to explain but how do you tell someone who had a crush on him that he didn't know of a child that was his.

"Not what I think? Daniel there is a child out there with your DNA perhaps with your Drop Dead Gorgeous eyes out there and you are calm about this?" Vala asked

"Vala I didn't know she existed till half an hour ago." Daniel replied

"That's not good enough. You need to get on that phone and call every girl you ever had 'relations' with and see if you have recklessly abandoned something that you should have taken home with you." Vala replied.

"Anyone want pie?" Jack asked as he left the office with SG-1 in tow leaving Daniel and Vala alone. Daniel went to follow them only to be stopped by Vala,

"Daniel what are you a man or munchkin?" Vala asked with her hands on her hips with out missing a beat Daniel danced out the door signing

"Were off to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of Oz."

SPACE

In General Landry's office SG-1 and Jack were sitting down waiting for Landry to make a few comments on this new enlightened endeavor of Daniel's.

"Well young man, the only thing I can say is hope you have a nest egg. Because 11 years of child support is a lot of money." Landry commented

"Don't doubt that sir, but the main concern is trying to find out who the child and her mother is." Mitchell replied everyone looked around the room for Vala to make a comment but couldn't find her any where.

"Daniel where's Vala?" Landry asked

"We had a bit of a fight and she went to cool off." Daniel replied

"Oh Ok. Colonel how did the search results go for finding who placed the envelope in the room?" Landry asked

"As General O'Neill thought the letter came in today's mail so it could have been handled by a hundred different people before I saw it." Sam replied Hank stared at the card before looking at the rest of SG-1 and Jack

"I don't care how you do it, or how long it takes find out who sent this card." Landry replied

SPACE

Up in the video recording room Siler, Walter and Vala were sitting in front of the camera's eating popcorn and drinking soda.

"Should we tell them about the prank?" Siler asked only to get Vala and Walter throw popcorn at him.

"No I think we will continue this for a while. Walter who did you get to sign the card anyway?" Vala asked grabbing another handful of hot buttered popcorn.

"My sister wrote the card. Got her friend to send it via the post office where Siler collected it with the rest of the mail. Where technicians sorted it and I placed on his desk." Walter replied.

"You men are mean." Vala replied

"You thought of it. By the way great acting." Siler replied all Vala could do was bow while sitting down.

SPACE

Hope you all enjoyed it. Mum had fun with her work mate three days before Father's day and her workmate took the letter to his dad and family who were upset that there was a child they could dote on was not around.

Please R&R I do appreciate them.

E.


	2. Camping

A/N

Thank you to all who reviewed my first chapter of the series RA'AY'MOND and Obi's Second Cousin, sorry if others reviewed before I posted this chapter up so I will say THANK YOU now LOL

A/N 2: This is set before Jack became a General, and Janet died…no spoilers or anything (that I know of…)

Here's Chapter 2…

Beware of the sheets.

Sam crawled into the two man tent that she would normally share with Daniel but he was off with Colonel O'Neill off to check the perimeters. Sam argued that she had checked them and set them up but the colonel was adamant that it needed to be checked again. Teal'c chose to stay behind and look after Carter who was taking soil samples of the planet and doing various other 'geeky' tasks defined by O'Neill. Sam gave up trying to work out how long she was working on the soil samples before the lantern and campfire light was too dim to do any more work. Standing up to stretch Sam told Teal'c she was going to call it a night and went to her sleeping bag. Teal'c just inclined his head and went back to his kel'no'reem. Sam had gotten changed out of her dust and sand filled clothes and into tomorrow's outfit. SG-1 had gotten used to sleeping in their work gear, minus shoes, on their fourth mission. They found it rather embarrassing to be rudely awoken still in their pajamas and trying to fire guns and it is a lot better to sleep in uncomfortable attire.

Moving the top of her sleeping bag down to allow her to get in she made on last adjustment to the lantern next to her to just above a dim so Daniel can see his way in Sam went into her sleeping bag and relaxed. Within minutes she felt like she was slipping and sliding in her bag sitting up she noticed her clothes were slimy getting out of bed she noticed that her feet were a strange tint of white turning the light on brighter she worked out that there was some sort of powder in the bag muttering about sandy planets carter took it out side, turned it inside out and shook it away from camp. She then heard Colonel O'Neill and Daniel coughing as they walked to her.

"Carter, cough, what's the matter?" Jack asked with his hand over his mouth

"Sorry sir, getting rid of this fine sand very hard to sleep in." Carter replied not noticing the twinkle in their eyes of amusement.

"Good night Sir, Daniel…oh the light is on for you too." Sam replied as she went back into the tent. She tried getting back to sleep but still had the sliding sensation trying hard to ignore it she closed her eyes only to get fed up with it and went outside again to find O'Neill, Daniel and Teal'c roasting marshmallows.

"Good morning Carter." Jack said tossing a stick with a marshmallow on it to her.

"Ha ha." Sam replied sitting in front of the fire.

"Thought you were sleeping?" Daniel asked

"Can't the bed felt like it had slime in it." Carter replied

"But DanielJackson and O'Neill have been out her the entire time." Teal'c replied keeping a strait face only to get protests from the other men.

"Maybe you need to dry the bag out? After all it did rain earlier." Daniel replied

"When?" Jack asked turning his head sharply to Daniel.

"When we first put up camp, wasn't heavy rain just enough to dampen everything." Daniel replied. Sam tried to move but found her BDU's were getting hard to move as if they were stiffening up.

"You ok carter?" Jack asked

"I'm fine but my uniform—"

"Just broke." Daniel replied sure enough as Sam moved her arm towards her the seams split.

"That wasn't supposed to happen." Jack mentioned.

"Must have been the rain." Teal'c suggested.

"What are you talking about?" Sam asked looking at her ruined top.

"Well the washing powder was supposed to make you feel funny and shake it out, leave some on your clothes and re-infest your bag; it wasn't supposed to break your top." Jack replied.

"But the rain we had turned the powder to an almost past so when you went to bed the powder was too concentrate, dried off with the heat of the fire and turned it all into cardboard—rather fast I may add." Daniel added.

"But the powder that made you two cough?" Sam asked

"It was sand the bag hit the ground and threw the sand at us." Daniel replied Jack got up and opened the spare bag that had a change of clothes and another sleeping bag.

"But you know us always prepared your new BDU's and a sleeping bag. All gag free." Jack replied tossing it at Sam who grabbed the tossed bag and found another broken seam.

"I better get changed." Sam replied hoping against hope the tear wasn't where she thought it was.

"Uh Carter?" Jack asked turning around Sam kept the bag against her so they couldn't see what colour bra she was wearing.

"Sir?" She asked

"Nice undies." Daniel replied

"Indeed." Teal'c replied going beet red Sam went to change vowing to kill the men of SG-1…or con Janet into giving them more time in the infirmary than necessary…hmm maybe a bit of both?

SPACE

A/N

Thanks for reading now please review


	3. Shower

A/N

This is another prank that had been played on me recently and thought this was worthy enough to be played on SG-1. This is also harmless so can be played (cheaply) on anyone.

E.

The men of SG-1 won the debate with Sam and Vala to use the showers before them, after all there were three men to two women and it was a sandy planet…

"So another mission that was 'safe' becoming a 'fight-for-your-life' fantastic." Cam replied stepping into the shower spray.

"Yeah well you wanted 'the band' to be together." Daniel replied grabbing the soap.

"That is correct major Mitchell." Teal'c replied.

"Uh, Danny when you use soap its supposed to lather up like this see?" Mitchell replied trying to demonstrate the use of soap suds.

"What the…?" Cam replied when the soap refused to work.

"Its not even getting wet the water comes straight off and its 'shiny'" Cam replied. Daniel turned off his water and tried to 'soap' the tile to find no residue.

"I have a feeling Vala is behind this." Daniel replied

"Yeah you don't half have a crush do you?" Cam replied

"huh? All I said was Vala is behind this. How is that 'Crushy'?" Daniel asked

"You bring her name up quiet frequently DanielJackson." Teal'c replied Daniel wrapped a towel around him as he walked to the change room and got dressed.

"Do not!" Daniel replied the other men also got dressed and went to hunt the girls down but found it wasn't that hard.

"'Bout time you got out, leave any water for me?" Vala asked with her bright smile.

"Oh yeah and plenty of soap, great joke really got us with that one." Cam replied he saw the confusion in the girl's eyes.

"What are you talking about?" Sam asked

"The fact that the soap doesn't lather where did you get it joke shop? Plastic?" Daniel asked.

"No the soap wasn't a joke store bought." Sam replied

"No it was store bought so was the nail polish." Vala replied

"Nail polish?" Cam asked

"Yeah, we kinda covered all the SG-1 soap in clear nail polish/varnish let it dry then replaced it before we went off world." Vala replied.

"Ok, can we please have some 'real' soap please?" Daniel asked the girls thought for a moment before grinning wickedly handing over a pink bar for each of them.

"Men, I think next time we make a chocolate cake we don't use the chocolate squares marked 'laxative'" Cam replied as they grudgingly took the pink soap.

A/N Please review I like reviews, they make me happy.

E.


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